If you thought the country life was just hunting, fishing and shooting you'd be wrong. Here is a guide to the lesser known pastimes of the British outdoors. Assault and battery A common country pastime, often practised by hunt marshals, farmers and farm hands, held on Friday nights at 23:20hrs, just as the pubs close. Bumwatching Held in wheat fields on sunny days, when enthusiasts known as Twitchers due to their spasmodic hand movements, gather to observe the phenomenon of the rising and falling of the seasonal glutimus maximi, usually accompanied by the shrill cries of OOOOOO!!!! and bleeding hell I've got a corn stalk in my condom!! Corn circles A nocturnal sport only held after 16 pints of Ye Olde Sheepshagger's XXX Cider, locals go into a field and leave bizarre imprints on the way home. Dog shooting Where sheep farmers shoot dogs for "Making my sheep worried", a real favourite. Euro-creaming To play, one must own a farm, then apply for as many thousands of ECU's in grants as humanly possible before pissing off to Benidorm with the busty lass who does the milking. Then one should write to ones M.P. on how hard it is for farmers to make a living. Fuckintownies As played in small village pubs everywhere. Upon spotting a strange face at the bar the entire company gathers at the other end and goes eerily silent. The first one to mutter "Fuckin-townies!" in an indecipherable accent loses. Grebe-baiting Each spring the majestic Grebe returns to the marshes at Nether Flatulence,Somerset.And since 1387 every male over 21 dresses up in a suit of cordroy, goes down to the marshes at dawn, drop their trousers and wave their genitals and shout rude and abusive taunts. Hide and seek Unlike it's town namesake, rural hide and seek is only played once a year, usually coinciding with the visits from the Inland Revenue wanting to know about those Benidorm holidays. (see Euro-creaming) Innkeepers daughter This game is played among the young lads of the Village and consists of seeing who can get the local publican's teenage daughter up the duff the quickest. Jerkers bank A sport played by the losers in Innkeepers daughter. Knocker Day An East Anglian tradition where the eldest resident calls at the home of any maiden aged 17-25 and upon rapping her knocker gives her boobs a good feel and hurrying off as fast as his zimmer frame will carry him. License duping A villager stakes out a section of riverbank and upon spying a townie settling down to fish, promptly emerge from a bush and demand to see the anglers license and then charge =A3150 for the right to dangle a float in three foot of chemical effluent and catch discarded wellies, condoms and D.D.T. containers. Maypoling A symbolic phallus is erected in a prominent spot. Male villagers then dress in daft costumes and dance around it all day competing for sexual favours of the May Queen who may or may not give them one. New-age travellers A colourful tribe of nomadic folk who wander from police roadblock to police roadblock,distinguishable by their gaudy modes of transport, knotted hair and suspicious aroma trailing in their wake. Much loved by country-dwellers who discharge shotguns in joy at their arrival. Odour-waft Not to be confused with above, this pastime is much-practised by Pig farmers who compete with each other to see who can spread the stench the of pig shit over the greatest mileage, a practice defended by the excuse "It's jus' be the smell O' the country, don't it?". Penis-washing Unheard of. A myth. Quim-skimming On May 6th, on the millpond at Muffton St Smegma,Sussex.Unwed females remove their undergarments and slide down the gnarled and knotted Oak tree in the hope it will bring them luck in love. (It doesn't but they have plenty of fun trying) Rutting season At the end of harvest and the opening of the pubs the local males attempt to couple with any passing female. Sheep-worrying Now mostly done by dogs, though in certain areas the traditional size 14 wellington boot method still holds sway in Wales. Tupping of the maid An established tradition still adhered to in some areas, where the local Lord/Earl/Sheikh celebrates his initiation into manhood by sneaking up behind the maid and slipping her a length from behind. This is followed nine months later by the traditional denial to the C.S.A. Undie-comparing A rite enacted by the elder women after a younger, more attractive maiden is seen flying crimson satin-look crotch-less panties from the washing line. Often associated with other staples of rural life, the twitching of net curtains and the visits of the milkman. Verge-draping A colourful year-round pastime where travellers attempt to add colour to the flora by artfully decorating the byways with gaudy sandwich wrappers, day-glo condoms, M&S ladies underwear and so on. Whopper-ogle A rural pub game. An impressively mammaried young barmaid sheds her bra and veils her firm heaving appendages with the sheerest of blouses. The punters then attempt to follow her bulging bosom from one end of the bar to the other without rupture, dangerously high blood pressure or eyestrain. He who ejaculates first is deemed the loser. X-Rated Unseemly perversion. Sex with your wellies on. Yokel-ramming A game in which youths from the new urban overspill estate, commandeer an Escort XR3 and cruise the lanes in search of an old farmer on a 1932 tractor, the aim is to force the farmer to crash into the ditch. The repercussions are when ten sons appear on the scene. (See assault and battery) Zyder A foaming narcotic brew derived from Apples and is responsible for premature blindness.