"The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
 letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security).  lthough rather crude
 they are written in good faith by the senders"

 **
 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 **
 Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as
 my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

 **
 I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt
 my knob off.

 **
 The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is
 cleared.

 **
 The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which
 is unsightly and dangerous.

 **
 Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
 tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

 **
 Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would
 like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something
 about it.

 **
 Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and
 the box fell on his head.

 **
 Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The
 clergy have been visiting her.............

 **
 I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is
 unable to masturbate his food.

 **
 In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer
 with no results so far.

 **
 I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing,
 is dead.

 **
 Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to
 hospital to have her overtures out.

 **
 Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one
 of which is a mistake as you will see.

 **
 My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he
 finds he is lethargic to it.

 **
 Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged
 to live an immortal life.

 **
 The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles
 about and I had them humanized.

 **
 Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with
 my landlord and milkman.

 **
 You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this
 matter?

 **
 Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a
 hypodermic.

 **
 In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in
 the enclosed envelope.

 **
 I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a
 week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall
 get another doctor.

 **
 I do not get any money from my son. he is in the army and his
 regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

 **
 Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

 **
 Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on
 my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

 **
 I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.
 This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

 **
 I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was
 due to contraceptional circumstances.

 **
 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
 he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 **
 The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door
 throwing balls on the roof.

 **
 This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next
 door.

 **
 The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?