Some funny stories (and a few sick ones):

In Lancashire, England, Ian Lewis, 43, spent 30 years 
tracing his family tree back to the 17th century, traveling all over England 
and interviewing 2,000 relatives, before he learned that he had 
been adopted when he was a month old and that his real name was David 
Thornton. He said he would immediately start researching his new family 
history.

Researchers at Tokyo's Keio University announced they have 
taught pigeons to distinguish a cubist-style painting from an 
impressionist one. Psychologist Shigeru Watanabe reported the birds can 
correctly identify the cubist work 90 percent of the time.

In June in Camden, New Jersey, 2-year-old Matthew Mikel 
slipped while reaching for a cat on a balcony. He and the cat fell three 
stories; doctors said Matthew survived because his landing was 
cushioned by the cat, which did not survive.

Six people drowned while trying to rescue a chicken that 
fell down a 60-foot well in the Egyptian village of Nazlat Imara. 
Police said an 18-year-old farmer, his sister, two brothers and two 
elderly farmers that came to help climbed down one by one but all drowned, 
apparently after being pulled down in the water by an undercurrent.

After surgeon Rolando Sanchez amputated the wrong leg of a 
patient at University Community Hospital in Tampa, Florida, the 
hospital started a new policy of writing the word "No" on patients' limbs that 
are not supposed to be removed.

In Burbank, California, in February, a 55-year-old man who 
placed an ad in a local bondage and discipline magazine arranged a 
liaison in his home with another man. When the man answered the door, the 
date forced him to crawl through his house to his bondage room, where 
the man was tied, nude, to a "proctologist table." According to police, 
the date and his accomplice, waiting outside, then stole the man's sofa, 
leather chair, TV set and other items.

James Mascetta, 40, was charged with dispensing a narcotic 
in December in Nashua, N.H. Bailiffs caught Mascetta handing a packet 
of heroin to a woman sitting at the defendant's table in a courtroom while 
whe was awaiting arraignment on another drug charge

A district court in southern Sweden fined Elizabeth Hallin 
$680 for naming her 5-year-old son
Bxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116." She said the name 
is pronounced "Albin." The Hallins said they would appeal the fine, 
arguing that the name is "a pregnant, expressionistic development that we 
see as an artistic creation."

Last year, the Army issued Bronze Stars to seven members of 
the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment for "meritorious achievement" 
during the Persian Gulf war, even though their achievement was 
mistakenly firing on U.S. troops, killing one and wounding another.

Redondo Beach, California, police officer Joseph Fonteno 
stopped a car after observing it heading along the Pacific Coast Highway 
with half of a traffic-light pole on its hood and the signal lights 
still attached. Fonteno said that when he asked about the pole, the driver 
replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."

In Somerset, Pennsylvania, in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was 
arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he 
squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.

Houston police arrested a 46-year-old man in February and 
charged him with molesting his 12-year-old granddaughter. Police 
officers and social workers suspect that the man is not only the father of the 
girl's mother, but of the girl, too, and, noting that the 
granddaughter is five months pregnant, also suspect he is the father of what 
would be his own great-granddaughter. (The suspect denied all accusations.)
[Therefore, he is the father of his daughter, grand 
daughter and great granddaughter - that's just plain SICK]

In Peterborough, Ontario, Gerald Dixon, 26, was sentenced 
to six years in prison in February for robbing a Bank of Montreal 
branch. He was arrested a few hours after the robbery as he attempted to 
deposit his loot into his account at the same bank. (3/21/96)

From the Wauwatosa (Wisconsin) News-Times' Oct. 26,1995, 
police report: 
"A man who was found in a women's restroon at Mayfair Mall 
was issues a citation for disorderly conduct Oct. 17. The man admitted 
to police that he had entered the restroom because he thought it would be 
a good place to meet women." (3/21/96)

In Oxford, Mississippi, William douglas Hinson, 71, and 
Teresa Jean Hutcheson, 31, were sentenced to five-year prison terms for 
plotting to have a hit man kill her husband and make it look like a 
hunting accident. In addition to being Hinson's lover, Hutcheson is 
his granddaughter and the mother of his two children. Court 
officials said Hinson has been having sex with Hutcheson since she was 
11. "In my 20 years on the bench, I thought I'd seen everything," U.S. 
District Judge Neal Biggers said. "But this is the most sordid case I've 
ever seen, where the great-grandfather is also the father of his 
great-grandchildren.

In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52, tried to cure his sexual 
impotence by having a penis transplant - using a donkey as the donor.  
The wire service Agence France-Presse reported that three times 
Esirgen brought home a donkey, amputated its sexual organs and appealed in 
vain for a doctor to perform the operation.  Apparently the third time 
so annoyed his family that his son shot him in the leg.

In one of the strangest alliances ever encountered by law 
enforcement in the Amish community of Pennsylvania, members of the Pagans 
Motorcycle Club allegedly conspired with some young Amish men to 
sell "multiple kilograms" of cocaine to Amish youth groups.  The drugs 
were to be sold to the Amish youths during hoedowns. The deals took place 
in Gap, PA, minutes east of Intercourse, PA.

Portland, Conn. - The timers on the microwave ovens at a 
Burger King scared off a gunman who thought they were security alarms 
going off.  The holdup man left without taking any money.

Dave Feuerstein sued the British supermarket chain Tesco 
because one of its promotions offered so many bargains that he hurt his 
back carrying off the discounted merchandise. "Offers like this are too 
good to refuse," said Feuerstein, who made several trips to the 
store over a three-day period to redeem more than 300 coupons. "Tesco 
should have been more considerate and make it impossible to do what I 
did.  If Tesco hadn't had this offer I wouldn't have hurt my back.

When an armed robber who took less than $100 from a 7-11 
store in St. Peters, MO, couldn't get his get-away car started, he 
returned to the store, handed back the money and told the two clerks it was 
all just a joke. They agreed to give his vehicle a jump start, not to 
write down his license plate number and wait about 40 minutes before 
calling the police. "We have a friendly town out here," police Officer 
David Kuppler noted, indicating the suspect was arrested anyway about an 
hour later.

After a bank robber in Metz, France, was let out of jail 
due to a clerical error, he asked police to return $100,000 he stole 
during several bank raids. "I simply want them to return money 
which was honestly stolen," said Phillipe Thomas.  "It's a scandal to 
have your savings robbed from you."